I have exhausted my exploration and research. I have grown weary of my vagina studies. This is my final chapter on the subject.

Like my study, the above Amazon poll on Valentine’s Day has also just ended. Turns out that these poll results were not even as close as the last two Presidental elections. The clear majority has voted Love Stinks.

But it’s nice to know that which ever way you voted, there was a shopping link available to you.

The celebrity of V-Day and The Vagina Monologues insures its survival. Scandals can help feed celebrity. From the start, the act of V-Day stealing Valentine’s Day was likely considered as much for its publicity garnering ability as for whatever philosophical mooring it had. Like stealing candy from a baby, cupid and his chocolate were an easy mark. Never a real scandal, only a “scandal,” all opposition to the theft of the sentimental holiday ends up looking silly and serves the celebrity of V-Day’s cause.

With that in mind, I’ll end my dialogue on this chapter with a few links of tabloid fare quality.

The Vagina Warrior pictured has been dressed for success at the V-Day store, but I think he looks like a bit of a dickhead in the outfit. The V sign means vote, vulva, victory, peace ???? I’m all mixed up, but I got two fingers and a nice smile. And the cap says I practice Safe Sex.

These gynecologists also have nice smiles and want your vote on this elective surgery day. Cooper Anderson reports on the perfect Valentine Day’s gift some women are planning to give their sweeties.

Drag Kings

And of course Eve Ensler is always in the process of “altering” the Vagina Monologues. One of the ‘turgs from the listserv reports:

In 2004, a male-to-female transgender monologue was written. This year it will receive its Tucson premiere. Two transwomen I know are acting in this year’s “Vagina Monologues”. Another did act in them a few years ago, but was not identified as trans for the show, though she is out. Apparently, Eve Ensler wants a transmale (i.e. femle-to-male) companion piece. But, knowing the struggles transmen have had (having been a significant other to two of them) with the parts they were given, I’m not sure how likely it is that there will be one.

The well-read Tboy seems fairly astute on the gender bender front, so I was totally disappointed that in his comment he missed my Elvis third sex turn in my earlier dialogue with a monologue. I first noticed the king’s resemblence to the queen years ago when the drag queens had their own night at the Pyramid Club once a week. At the time I was was performing poetry in the Elvis suit above the club in an alternative space that had once been Nico’s old apartment. Afterward, in mingling with all the female celebrity impersonators from the Pyramid, Elvis felt right at home. We all seemed to be in a similar state of transformation. The king is also the queen, and vice versa. Just like the Marines, Eve’s vagina monologues could use a few good men.

HooHaa Hoopla

Now that it has made the paper of record, the Florida marquee will probably rate as scandal du jour for this season of the V-Day monologues. I heard of it first from theatre bloggers Adam, then Jason, but I was surprised when haha on the hoohaa reached the Times. Other theatre blogs weighed in on it. No haha about the bruhaha from The Playgoer, “every time Ensler’s work encounters resistance, it’s a fight for all of us.” The angry Chicago guy thinks there’s stupid juice in the Florida water.

But by now a local television spot on the story has been nationally broadcast via CNN and late night host Jimmy Kimmel has sent staffer Beatrice out into the street for The HooHaa Interviews.

The Apartment Monologues

Eve Ensler’s Valentine sweetheart for many years was Ariel Orr Jordan, a psychotherapist and a director of television movies and commercials. The Apartment Monologues are outlined in a pair of his and hers lawsuits over property. The therapist’s lawsuit goes well beyond the real estate property that is at the center of the dispute. The jilted lover claims that he developed a therapy workshop tititled, “If your vagina could talk, what would it say?”. He claims this workshop was “foundation and inspiration” for the play, giving him co-author status and half the revenue from the production company that holds the rights to The Vagina Monologues.

F-hole Bypass Surgery

Love Is in the Air and then Love Stinks. That’s why B.B. King sings the blues and that’s why he took the f-holes out of Lucille. In controlling the feedback from the sound hole, he’d be better able to create a dialogue with Lucielle’s monologues, but as he explains, he’d be at a loss for words without her. He tells the backgound story of his beloved and one story on how Lucille saved his life.

So this ends my vagina studies for now. But should I ever begin again, I’ll employ once more the steadily growing universal library of Google’s snippets and Amazon’s “Search Inside the Book” feature. Both are digitally searchable using key words and give access to full-text excerpts from hundreds of thousands of titles for research and reference.